Tag: cooking

Rob Schoen: ‘You are entitled to think whatever you choose to think, though I may find it wrong-headed and duplicitous. Today’s column was the first in my recollection, however, where you essentially called your critics stupid, or at least not as capable of reasoned thought as you. That’s a slippery slope and I hope not your intent.’

☞ I appreciate reasoned criticism. But those whose e-mails just lash out with insult rather than logic are intellectually lazy, in my view – though, you are certainly right, not necessarily stupid. I would suggest that to call someone’s thinking wrong-headed is fine (even I think I am wrong-headed from time to time, not to mention tedious, self-indulgent, or – my favorite – just plain dopey). But calling someone’s thinking duplicitous may be a slippery slope of its own.

Frank McC: ‘Even if the worst about Enron turns out to be true, is it any worse than Chinese businessmen financing the Clintons and the Democratic Party?’

☞ It might well be worse, but let’s assume they are equivalent. Is your point that no fuss should have been made about the Chinese contributions? Or is it that since a huge fuss was made about them, that’s enough fuss for now and we should fuss no more? I think both were/are subjects of legitimate inquiry. Enron is, after all, the largest bankruptcy in our history, and energy policy affects us all.

Frank continues: You write: ‘I certainly hope it doesn’t require special prosecutors or any of that – I don’t think any of us wants to go through that again.’ Really? Honestly? You mean you wouldn’t love to see the Bush Presidency destroyed and Democrats benefit?

☞ I sure would NOT love to see it destroyed. And when it does something good, like appoint an openly gay ambassador to Rumania, or handle the aftermath to 9/11 so well for the most part, I try to say it. And we all should say it. And I think you will find that a lot of Democrats do – most recently, Senator Clinton on ‘Meet the Press’ this past Sunday, loud and clear.

Frank: ‘Fairness, I say. Fairness.’

☞ Yes! But fairness for the 95% of Americans who are not at the top of the pyramid, too. Thanks, Frank. You’re right about the level of partisanship. Who doesn’t yearn for more collegial, frank discourse? But until we get that, how about a nice oyster cocktail?

*

Let me tell you something about HILTON’S FRESH PACIFIC EXTRA SMALL WILLAPOINT OYSTERS. They’re huge. I don’t know whether Hilton is being ironic by labeling them extra small, or merely trying to frighten people from swimming in the Pacific. Oysters are one of the few ocean dwellers I ordinarily do not fear; but if these are extra small, I can only begin to imagine those that would be extra large – and I don’t want to risk being swallowed by one. (‘What’s this, Orville – a pearl?’ ‘No, it looks more like some guy’s head.’)

Oysters are a dangerous food. Any school kid knows they should be eaten only when they ‘R’ in season – months with an R in them (i.e., not May, June, July and August), except that with the advent of refrigeration, they may not be much more dangerous when they Rn’t than when they R. Hilton sells them in pint containers – all raw oyster, no shell – in the refrigerated (let’s hope) section of some supermarkets’ fish departments, and warns that if you suffer from liver or stomach problems, you should eat them fully cooked.

Now let’s back up. Why would anyone eat raw oysters, you ask? (And how do they have sex? But that’s a separate column.) Two reasons: First, once you get over your initial revulsion, you may well decide that the good ones taste just great. Second, oysters have long held allure as an aphrodisiac.

‘Keep away from oysters, whatever you do,’ ran a sprightly line from Bottoms Up, the acclaimed 1969 Hasty Pudding Theatrical, ‘and just for the hell of it, you can be a celibate, too – da-doo-da-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo!’

And sure enough, if you click here, you will find this slogan: Forget Viagra, Eat Brady’s Oysters. With it comes an offer to buy some very pricey oysters, flown to your door, still in their big, heavy, clunky shells.

The beauty of HILTON’S FRESH PACIFIC EXTRA SMALL WILLAPOINT OYSTERS (which have made it all the way from South Bend, Washington, to South Beach, Florida, though very possibly not to your supermarket) is that for $7.99 you get a pint container filled to the brim with oysters in their ‘liquor’ (as the liquid oysters live in is called). Because the extra smalls are so large, it’s probably about 10 oysters to the pint. To fill the same pint with the kind of oysters you get in some restaurants for $2 a pop it would probably require 50 of them, once you shucked and chucked the shells. (How many shells, he yells as she sells seashells, could a woodchuck shuck, if a woodchuck could shuck shells?)

So look what’s happening here. You’re getting maybe $100 of oysters for $7.99, and you don’t have to put on a jacket and tie to eat them. You can eat them at home . . . like a guy.

And how, exactly, does a guy do that?

Well, I have two recipes to offer, neither requiring dishware; just a fork.

Raw. I accept absolutely NO liability for this – if you eat raw oysters you will probably die – but here is what I do.

• Step 1: Open the container.
• Step 2: Open a jar of cocktail sauce.
• Step 3: Seize the above-referenced fork.
• Step 4: Use the fork to drop one of the oysters into the jar of cocktail sauce; mush it around a little, remove, and eat. Mmmm, mmm, good!
• Step 5: Repeat.
• Step 6: Wash fork. Call 911.

Cooked. This involves a lot more work and doesn’t taste as good. But it’s still pretty awesome.

• Step 1: Pour the pint of oysters and their liquor into your smallest pot or pan.
• Step 2: OK, go crazy – toss in half a stick of butter or, if you’re cooking like a guy with high cholesterol, a big spoonful of I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter Lite™.
• Step 3: Salt and pepper are always good.
• Step 4: Cook on low to medium until you think that whatever is wrong with the oysters is dead. Ten minutes? You can throw in a little milk, too, ala “oyster stew,” although I have a feeling a little beer might go well with it instead, but I haven’t tried that yet.
• Step 5 (the most important step): Restrain yourself! This sucker is hot! But then, after an appropriate cooling off period, seize the afore-referenced fork and eat from the pot, eventually (checking first to be sure you won’t burn your lips) drinking the salty, buttery liquor that remains at the bottom. Mmm, mmm!
• Step 6: Clean fork and pot.

For elaborate recipes I have not tried – if you’re not really a guy, in other words – click here.

Have a great weekend and please come back Monday or I’ll worry that I killed you.

Mike Leboeuf: ‘Didn’t want you to miss this column from the Washington Post.’

☞ Good column. Thanks. Let’s tie the Arctic drilling he favors to the $1-a-gallon gas-tax hike he also favors . . . use every penny of that increased revenue to cut the FICA tax (giving people more take-home pay to spend and save, as well as a greater incentive to work), and let’s fund the hell out of alternative energy research instead of – astoundingly – cutting it in half.

The problem a lot of us have with the administration’s energy policy is that it seems 100% designed to benefit the oil industry, from which our president and vice president came, as if that were even more important than doing whatever is best for the country as a whole.

COOKING LIKE A GUY™ – GETTING TO KNOW YOUR HARDWARE

I’m 54 and learned how a toaster-oven works today. It’s got two settings. One for toast, one for oven. Cool! This was much less complicated than I realized, once I really focused. I made some toast, then I made salmon. (My secret: salt, lemon, and first pretend the salmon is a piece of toast.) Before cooking, I actually drenched it in some fancy flavored olive oil someone gave us long ago – a kitchen decoration, is how I had always thought of the bottle, until inspiration struck.

Hint: it’s OK to put a naked slice of bread right on the toaster-oven rack, but it’s a good idea to put the salmon in something, like an aluminum pan.

Pieter Lessing: “I thought you might enjoy this investing adventure I had. I was between Las Vegas junkets and had an itch that had to be scratched . . . so off to IPO land I went, with redherring.com as my trusty companion. Here are some of the IPOs I “evaluated” — ARTD, CALD, DDIC, EEEE, ETIN, INSN, NETP, OPU, RVSN. Today, most are trading near all time lows – down about 80% on average from their highs. The stars were: Radvision (RVSN), down ‘only’ 57% and Insilicon Corp (INSN) – down a ‘mere’ 37%. The superstar (exception that proves the rule??), DDI Corp (DDIC) IPO’ed at $14 and is now trading at $45 1/2.

“Well, I bought only one of the IPOs above. Can you guess which one? . . . suspense . . . drum roll . . . No, you guessed wrong — I bought DDIC! Genius, huh? Well, I have to confess — I put in buy orders for all of them, but my broker always said: ‘Sorry, too popular, you didn’t get any.’ Except with DDIC. Nobody wanted it, so I got it.”

☞ Thanks, Pieter. There is definitely a lesson in there someplace.

Meanwhile, two suspect comments on last Thursday’s Cooking Like a Guy™ Recipe #6 (stale bread):

Craig Furnas: “Microwave ovens are a fabulous way to de-stale rubbery tortilla chips.”

☞ So you say.

Parks Stewart: “Knave, knave! Every bona fide single guy knows that reviving pizza (after you peel it from the coffee table where your friends left it during the party the night before) is an advanced two-step heating process. To wit:

1) Set the oven to 350º.

2) Sprinkle some water on the pizza.

3) Wet a paper towel and completely cover the pizza.

4) Nuke all this about a minute and a half (on high, of course — is there any other setting?).

5) By now the oven is hot enough (the temperature setting was just for show) for you to put the pizza on foil (or not) for a minute or two to recrisp the various parts that really need to be crisp, as opposed to the whole thing being crisp when you started this endeavor.”

☞ You are on very thin Guy ice when you begin setting forth five-step recipes. But to revive a slice of pizza, it just might be worth it.

RECIPE #6 – Stale Bread

Every cloud has a silver lining. You know how reheating pizza in a microwave turns its crispy crust soft? It’s something no guy can be happy about — but by the exact same principle of wave theory, a microwave will also take a stale slice of bread or English muffin or hot dog roll and render it warm, soft and moist.

Step #1: Insert stale bread. (Remove mold, as needed. Or not.)

Step #2: Nuke 10 or 12 seconds.

Step #3: Proceed with whatever you had in mind.

Gourmet Variant:

Find a hunk of old cheese way at the back of the refrigerator? Stick it on top of the bread before nuking, and nuke until it melts into a soft, creamy bread spread. Remove. Allow to cool. Eat. Brilliant with brie, cheddar, explorateur, parmesan, or any other rock of old cheese.

Tomorrow: A Novel Way to De-Seed Watermelon

ANY BOY

“The Boy Scouts of America’s leaders fought for the right to discriminate and won it. Now the question is, will the rest of us take action to dissociate from discrimination until BSA stops discriminating — as we would if we learned of an analogous admitted exclusion of African-American kids or others?” — Evan Wolfson, who argued the case before the Supreme Court

JEWISH JOKES

“That’s two Jewish jokes in the past weeks. Would similar humor about Blacks or Gays be as welcome? Not being either, I don’t know, but (being Jewish) I get a bit uneasy when I hear or read ‘Jewish jokes’ related by non-Jews. (Of course, if you’re Jewish, ‘Never mind.’)”

☞ Never mind.

THE ESTATE TAX

“You wrote: ‘I think the estate tax is good social policy’ [just horribly unwieldy]. What’s good about stealing from the dead?” — Brian Annis

☞ That it lessens the need to steal from the living?

THE TANNERS

“What other reasons are there for Allan Tanner day? I am just asking because if the Harry Potter refund was the only thing, then you would have been better apt to name it ‘Allan Tanner’s Daughter’s Day,’ which I admit is a little long. But anyhow as it is his day don’t leave his accomplishments shortsighted as to one that he didn’t accomplish. And there are many others.” — Naomi Tanner (Allan’s one and only daughter)

☞ Hmm. That could be read a number of ways. Should make for interesting Tanner table conversations. Maybe we should set up a 24-hour Tanner-Cam.

MUGGLE

” << Muggle >> Are you just making up your own words now? I can’t find this word in the dictionary.”

☞ Because, dear reader, you are using a muggle dictionary. Check your Thesaurcerus.

AMAZON

“I am glad that correspondent Allan Tanner enjoyed a positive experience with Amazon.com regarding delivery of the Harry Potter book. I did not. My 9-year-old daughter was one of the first 250,000 orders, and ordered specifically because of the Saturday delivery promise. However, Saturday came and went without the book. We called FedEx that afternoon for a delivery status report and was told that our section of rural North Carolina does not have Saturday FedEx delivery.

“Whoops. Well, you can’t blame Amazon for that. But we certainly expected the book Monday; instead, it showed up Wednesday, via regular US Priority Mail, long after my daughter left for Chapel Hill for basketball camp, and we had shelled out another $25 for a replacement copy to send with her. Did Amazon promise FedEx delivery for the first 250,000 orders, or did they not? According to Amazon, they did not. In an e-mail response to my complaint, they offered ‘apologies for any misunderstanding regarding this order. We offered the special upgrade to Saturday delivery for the first 250,000 qualifying orders, but orders which did not qualify . . . were shipped with the (normal) shipping method.’

“Unlike the Tanners, Amazon has not offered to recompense us. And that’s OK, I understand FedEx Saturday delivery zones are out of their control, but I am upset that Amazon did not communicate that all areas of the country would not be able to avail themselves of this offer. Amazon has lost a valued customer (us) for life over this. I guess the lesson is, the best-intentioned attempts at customer service can backfire, huh?” — Mike Hawkins

AMAZON, TOO

“I was one of the 250K who bought Harry Potter from Amazon and got my book on Saturday. And I appreciate the goodwill that Amazon is generating, I really do like those folks. BUT my girlfriend had her copies by 10 AM Saturday — and for a few bucks less than I paid — by going to Costco. I waited till noon, then 1:30 and having tracked my shipment knew that it was put on a FED EX delivery truck at 9:19am I finally called at 2:30. Yes, said the man, Saturday shipments should be there by noon… Oh wait a minute yours is coming from Amazon, it must be the Harry Potter book. Yes said I. Well, said he, we made a special deal with them — our commitment was to have them all delivered by 8pm. Mine finally came at 4:30. As much as I like trying new shopping methods — I don’t think I would have done it had I known when I was ordering.” — John Seiffer

COOKING LIKE A GUY?

“Yo! Let’s cut to the chase. All guys have blenders. Mix: 1 part ice, 2 parts ice cream (vanilla), 1 part rum (light). This will render your best milkshake ever.” — Wayne Arczynski

☞ Yo, Wayne!

Corn: the only food that needs no cleaning, comes in its own microwavable container — and has its own handle! Reason enough to set sail for the New World.

Four minutes in the microwave, allow to cool down, pull back the green husks (which thus form an even larger handle), apply butter and salt. Chomp. (Corn handle gripped tightly in left fist, beer bottle in right.)

There you have it, a true miracle of nature: Corn — Cooking Like a Guy™ Recipe #5.

No offense to the other vegetables.

Happy summer.

(For previous recipes, none of them requiring a whisk, see December 13, January 5, January 21 and April 11.)

Responding to my recipe for Chicken a la King, Joel Williams has chimed in with his own Cooking Like a Guy™ recipe. Joel writes:

“Not quite cooking like a guy. But if you want to entertain your guests with something better than chicken out of a can, try this beef stew recipe:

Invite some guests over for the next evening (recipe serves 4 really hungry or 6 not so hungry).

4 pounds boneless cut up beef
1 pound bacon
4 bulbs garlic
4 oranges
2 or more bottles red wine
1 pound mushrooms, sliced
Olive oil
Fresh sage, thyme, basil, and parsley – finely chopped up, in equal amounts – about 3/8 cup
1 Video of “The Matrix.”

Sauté the mushrooms in a very little of the olive oil
Cut the bacon into 1-inch pieces
Peel and cut up the garlic into small pieces
Squeeze the oranges, saving the juice. Peel and then cut the skin into small strips.
Combine everything in a large pot. Add red wine and water (about 50-50) with the orange juice to cover. Bring to a simmer.
Watch “The Matrix.”

Take the pot off the stove and put in refrigerator.

Next day you will find about 1/4 inch of fat on the top. Skim it off. Do this before your guests arrive, if they are a bit squeamish. Otherwise, perform this act in a ceremonial fashion when they arrive.

Cook some rice, wheat, or barley. Warm up the beef stew. Serve the beef over the rice or whatever. Serve the rest of the wine with dinner.

Advantages:

(1) You do all of the work the previous day, so you can attend to your guests when they come. All you have to do is warm and serve.
(2) It is really easy, even though you do have to chop some stuff.
(3) Your guests will be happy that you are not giving them chicken out of a can.
(4) Skimming off the fat makes it relatively healthy.

Disadvantages

(1) You do have to chop some stuff.
(2) All of the work is done the previous day, so you have to plan — not really a guy thing.
(3) You already saw The Matrix.”

Are you crazy?  Do you know how much work this is?  And how much you’ll have to clean up?  If he wants something really elaborate like this, any self-respecting guy will rent “The Matrix” and pick up the phone.  It’s called, “Chinese,” and in any decent size town, they deliver.

We did money-, earth-, and face-saving yesterday but forgot the all important time-saving.

Not that Cooking Like a Guy™ isn’t light on the budget and the planet — it is. But for saving time, nothing can top it.

RECIPE #4 – Chicken à la King

1. Open can.

2. Serve.

I would point out that by “serve” I mean: hold the can in one hand and a spoon in the other. (You will know instinctively which goes in which.)

I am fully aware that some will choose to place the contents of the can in a microwaveable container, heat a minute, and then serve. That’s fine, too. And hey, maybe some parsley on top! Some linen napkins and a touch of sherry! But gimme a break. We are talking about cooking like a guy.

Coming Soon: Treasury Inflation-Protected Securities (TIPS)

Bruce Bouts, MD: “Re: Cooking Like a Guy™ — a warning. Some may be tempted to cook an egg in haste by nuking (microwaving) it. Never nuke an (uncracked) egg!!! They explode. Saw an uncomfortable bachelor while I was in Residency a few years back who had done just that. He received a faceful of second degree burns.”

The pain! The embarrassment! Talk about egg on your face. And in a similar vein . . .

Steve Gilbert: “You probably mentioned this (I somehow missed any prior discussion about heating beans in a can, but I can imagine you suggesting it), but it’s a good idea to open the can prior to heating. Minimizes explosions.”

Well, of course, any guy knows you can’t put cans, or any metal in a microwave. And as one who long ago tried boiling a can of Spaghettios, I can tell you that the problem is less explosive than manipulative. That is, how exactly do you grab the incredibly hot can out of the boiling water and open it? I mean, OK, with the right tongs and asbestos kitchen mitts, I suppose it can be done — but what self-respecting guy has tongs or a kitchen mitt? Few pairs of pliers are sufficiently wide-jawed for the job. Plus you’re right — you could have bean juice spewing all over the kitchen, or even an explosion. (There is a small school of thought that rejects the comet theory for that massive crater in Siberia — was it 1908? — and suspects exploding beans.)

Which is why I quickly learned to open the can first and allow it to bob in the boiling water, open end up. You just have to experiment to make sure it doesn’t tip over. Put two or three cans in at once, in a small pot, so it is geometrically impossible for any of them to tip over. Or do what I’ve come to do with age and increasing sophistication — just open the can and start eating. Who says beans have to be hot?

Tomorrow: Was Our 99.6% “Worst Case” Tax Bracket on an Inherited IRA Correct?

Q-Page Folks: Sorry for some recent snafus. Should be fixed now.

Todd Jennings: “My father-in-law, a big-time salmon fisherman on his annual trips to Alaska, taught me about wrapping the big fish in aluminum foil, then running them through two cycles of the dishwasher to poach them. I loved the 3×5 card he wrote for me back in the 1970’s: ‘Wrap fish, put in dishwasher, run one cycle, turn fish over, run for another cycle. DO NOT USE DETERGENT!'”

Charley Kneifel: “Speaking of ‘cooking like a guy’ — I have a book by Chris Maynard and Bill Scheller titled Manifold Destiny: The One! The Only! Guide to Cooking on Your Car Engine.”

R. J. Kirsch: “Another interesting (and funny) cookbook for guys: The Kitchenless Cookbook, by Suanne Beverly.

RECIPE #3: SALAD

1. Buy a big bag of ready-to-serve salad. Being rather sophisticated, I prefer the “romaine” kind that has a variety of greens. But there’s nothing wrong with the iceberg/carrots/cabbage kind, either.

2. Dump into a big plastic bowl. Or not; but Tupperware is hard to beat when it comes to elegance and versatility.

3. Douse with soy sauce. Soy sauce should be bought in bulk, as it is an indispensable member of the Salt family and complements any fine meal.

4. Douse with olive oil. In an earlier era, it would have been “drizzle” with olive oil, but that all changed when I saw on the “Today Show” that olive oil actually improves the ratio of your bad and good cholesterol, and has all sorts of other pleasing side effects, such as getting you to enjoy salad in the first place, and improving your Italian.

5. Toss. This is best accomplished with clean hands or two forks.

That’s it. And it’s actually less involved than it sounds.

Hint: No need to clean the plastic container! Assuming you only were able to fit half the bag of salad into the container (leaving “tossing” room – you can’t fill it too full), now you can dump the remaining half into the same container and clamp on its Tupper-lid. Sure, the salad at the bottom will get a little soy/oil onto it, but why not? That’s the best part. Just put it back in the refrigerator until tomorrow, when you repeat steps #3-#5.

Gracious dining tip: Sure, you can eat at six-thirty and have your salad before the entrée. But if you want to dine, you would sit down to the TV at eight o’clock — at the earliest — and have your salad after the entrée.