First, if you don’t already know it, you have to listen to Harry Chapin’s “Taxi”, truly one of the greatest ballads of all time.

What a gift.

She was gonna be an actress, and I was gonna learn to fly.

And now, with profound apologies to that same late, great Mr. Chapin — and in keeping with my long-chronicled hobby of eating expired food — I offer a song I was inspired to write after a surprisingly good dinner.

Click here for Drew Brody‘s outstanding rendition as you read the lyrics below:

It was sitting two years in the freezer,

Labeled “best, by twenty eighteen.”

I found it in the back ‘hind some chocolate ice cream;

Not the oldest chicken I’ve seen.


You see I, think, old food expires

Once it starts smelling poor.

So that’s, when, I’m ready to toss it —

And not a moment before.


A pound, of vacuum-packed chicken,

Two deboned breasts ready to go.

I musta’ bought them for some dinner

Such a long, long time ago.


Oh I know, “Gross – trichinosis!”

That’s what we’re trained to think.

What TO-tal, old-wive’s-tale bull crap;

My rule: eat if it don’t stink.


I’ll admit that I stopped to consider

What my friends would say if I ‘uz wrong.

“HE expired, eating old-rotten-food;

Surprised, it TOOK so long.”


Well another man might’a just tossed it.

And another man might not’a dined.

But waste-not want-not is my motto —

I nuked those breasts, and dined fine.


You see, she was gonna be a chicken;

And I have yet to learn to fry.

She just wound up being dinner;

And no.  I didn’t die.


Didn’t die.

Didn’t die.

Didn’t die.

Have a great day.



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