Thank you all for signing up at to get your free $20, your free checking account, and the rest. I have received $82 million in referral fees and will retire Thursday.


Want to register a web site of your own? I just did: I can’t imagine it will do me any good, but it took just five minutes, cost just $35 (for a year), and was fun. To register your cockamamie domain —, perhaps — click (It’s also a quick and free way to find out what’s available and what’s taken. Is your name-dot-com already taken? The $35 is only charged at the end, if you decide to register a domain.)


Brian Miller: “Hi, Andy. What happens if I buy a stock on January 7 that has a pending 2 for 1 split, and the stock split will be payable Jan 25 to shareholders of record Dec 27? What happens to my shares since I was not a shareholder of record Dec 27?”

You lose half your money. (Just kidding. These things always get adjusted properly. You don’t have to do anything or worry about it.)


Terry McCarthy: “I went looking for the Jewish Parrot joke in order to send it to a friend and couldn’t locate it. Thought to myself, Okay, just go through all the old columns in order rather than hit or miss and you’ll find it. In doing so I realized that it appears that anything older than about 2 years is not displaying in your Archives. Is this correct? Would you please send me the link to the JP joke?”

It’s from December 23, 1997. I just released it to the archive. May God strike me dead.


Read My Lips: No New Texans

Tomorrow: Beating the Market. It Is SO Hard – Your Feedback



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