What a crazy notion – count all the votes in Florida . . . very carefully . . . since the margin currently separating the two candidates is a mere five thousandths of 1% and machines don’t count every vote. Sure sounds wacky to me.

(If all the voters in Florida were laid end to end, they would stretch from New York’s Times Square south to Miami, west to Los Angeles and then back East to around Chicago. The margin currently separating the two candidates wouldn’t even get you to Penn Station, 8 blocks away.)

Or, as I’ve suggested, since the entire election was essentially a tie: flip a coin, and the loser has to be President for the next four years.

Meanwhile, making the rounds of the U.K. – and now the U.S.:

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In light of your failure to elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy. Your new Prime Minister (The Rt. Hon. Tony Blair MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium”. Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary”. Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed”. Also “Oh really?” is not the only way of showing interest when in conversation.

2. There is no such thing as “US English”. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American “football”. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any trouble. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day”.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.

For those of you who get this column by Q-Page, my apologies for any choppy waters of late. Kinks are being ironed out, I am assured. (If you think I’m underpaid for writing this column, you should meet my long-suffering, yet always accommodating, webmaster.)

 

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