THE REJECTED ONES
How many Republicans does it take to change a light bulb? Rejected – because you’ve heard it (ten: one to deny it needs changing, one to award the contract to Halliburton, etc.) and because I’m trying to get away from partisan comments, except where they’re substantive. (Eight trillion in accumulated debt under Reagan, Bush, and Bush is substantive).
The little girl and the cat and the toy fire truck. Rejected – I told you: they need to be clean!
‘Look at that escargot!’ Rejected – puns are bad enough without their having to be tortured.
(Though I have always loved the story about the visitor to a curio shop who bought a ‘rarey,’ only to find that, furry little ball that he was, he grew fatter and fatter until he was bursting out of the house, so they hauled him away to the dump – I am sparing you huge chunks of the story – but when they tilted the dump truck bin so he’d roll off . . . he didn’t roll off . . . and so in desperation they went back to the curio shop owner, who, upon hearing all this, marveled, ‘Don’t you know? Don’t you know? It’s the wrong way to tip a rarey.’ I actually do a pretty good 6-minute rendition of this, but it plays best if you served in World War I.)
Thanks to all who sent in jokes, bad as they were, including these:
Hal Brunette: ‘A man and a woman walked into a posh Rodeo Drive furrier. ‘Show the lady your finest mink!’ the man ordered. So the furrier produced an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tried it on, the furrier sidled up to the guy and discreetly whispered, ‘Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $142,000.’
”No problem! I’ll write you a check!’
”Very good, sir.’ said the shop owner. ‘Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.’
‘They left, and on Monday, the man returns. The store owner was outraged: ‘How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn’t a single penny in your checking account!’
”I just had to come by,’ grinned the man, ‘to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”
Allen Jones: ‘A rabbi, a priest, and a reverend were standing around talking of tithing and giving to their respective places of worship. The priest drew a circle in the dirt and said, ‘I am going to throw all my change in the air and whatever falls in the circle, God can have. Whatever falls outside, is mine.’ The reverend says, ‘I will throw up my change and whatever falls outside the circle, God can have. Whatever falls inside, is mine.’ The rabbi says, ‘I will throw all my change in the air and whatever God wants he can keep and I’ll keep whatever comes back.”
Michael Axelrod: ‘Here is one that illustrates the Eastern European outlook on life as absurd. In World War I Berlin, a man stands on a street corner shouting, ‘The Kaiser is an idiot!’ Immediately two members of the secret police appear out of nowhere and pounce on the poor dissenter, proceeding to arrest him for high treason. ‘But I was shouting about the Austrian Kaiser, not our Kaiser!’ ‘You can’t fool us! We know who the idiot is.”
THE TALKING DOG
Larry: ‘A guy is driving around Tennessee and he sees a sign in front of a house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale.’ He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there. ‘You talk?’ he asks. ‘Yep,’ replies the Lab. ‘So, what’s your story?’ the guy asks.
‘The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible capers and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
‘The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
”Ten dollars,’ the owner says.
”Ten dollars? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
”Because he’s a liar. He never did any of that.”
Douglas Schneller: ‘Well not so much jokes as humor. You can never go wrong with The Simpsons. Following are some of Homer’s gems:
- ‘Marge, I can’t wear a pink shirt to work. Everybody wears white shirts. I’m not popular enough to be different.”
- “Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to know. It’s what separates us from the animals. Except the weasel.”
- “I want to share something with you – the three sentences that will get you through life. Number one, ‘cover for me.’ Number two, ‘oh, good idea boss.’ Number three, ‘it was like that when I got here.'”
- “Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.”
Catherine Lyons: ‘Q: What did zero say to the number 8? A: ‘Nice belt.”
Doug Simpkinson: ‘This is my favorite joke, and I tell it whenever joke telling is encouraged:
‘Three guys die and go to heaven. St. Peter says, ‘Listen – we’re having a really busy century, so we need to manage admissions tightly. Right now we can only admit people who have died in horrible fashions, and those who have died in a more mundane way will have to wait in limbo, and it could take a decade or two to work you in.’
‘So St. Peter takes aside the first man, and asks him how he died. ‘Well, I’d been suspicious of my wife having an affair for some time now, so today I came home from work early. I just knew the guy was in my apartment, but I couldn’t find him. I looked everywhere and was just about to give up, when I went out on the balcony of my 23rd story apartment and there he was hanging over the edge! He was just barely hanging on, there was no way he could climb back onto the balcony. It was a really stupid place to try to hide. I was livid, so I started punching him and clawing at his fingers, but he held on. Finally I went to get a hammer and started pounding on his fingers, and he fell down. But he landed in some bushes and fell to the ground dazed, but basically OK! I was so mad I grabbed the refrigerator, threw it off the balcony and it landed on him. But I was so riled up by the incident I had a heart attack and died.’
St. Peter is taken aback, and, given that this was second degree murder, sends him off to purgatory. He then approached the second man and asked him how he had died.
‘I was riding my exercise bike on the balcony of my 24th story apartment, when the thing broke and threw me over the railing. I just managed to catch on the balcony below mine. I tried to climb up but it just wasn’t possible. I thought I was going to fall but then someone came out on the balcony. I thought he would help me, until he started hitting me! I held on as best I could, but then he got a hammer and hit me some more until I finally couldn’t hold on any longer and fell. Somehow, though, I fell in some bushes, dazed, but basically OK! Just as I’m coming to, I look up and – BAM! – this refrigerator lands on me. So here I am.’
St. Peter immediately admitted this second man to heaven, and pulled aside the third man and asked him for his story.
”Picture this,’ the third man begins. ‘I’m hiding naked in a refrigerator . . . ‘
Jayson Smith: ‘Two snowmen are walking through the forest. One of them stops and asks the other, ‘Hey, do you smell that?’ The other says, ‘Yeah. Carrots?”
Eric: ‘Q: What do you get when you cross a dyslexic with an insomniac with an agnostic? A: Someone who lies in bed at night wondering if there is a dog.’
Sorry about all that. Next week, back to money and politics.
Quote of the Day
Triumphant wife to down-and-out husband: I've consolidated all our bills into one missed payment.~Frank Cotham cartoon in the October 11, 1999, New Yorker
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