If you’re thinking of switching your sexual orientation, click here.


If you think Move On should have been censured for disrespect to a general, click here.


If you think you don’t have time to exercise, consider the caption on this cartoon: ‘What fits your busy schedule better, exercising an hour a day or being dead 24 hours a day?’


I want to preface this item by saying, straightforwardly, that I hold two Harvard degrees. Okay? And so when I walked into the Apple store with my iPhone – having tried everything to get it to ring – I was in that gloomy place we’ve all been where the vaunted new technology is failing us and there’s just nothing we can do about it.

Yes, I had tried all the Settings. Repeatedly. Yes, I had powered it off completely and then turned it back on (the first rule of modern life). Yes, I had verified that the speakers were working. The phone played Tchaikovsky; it just wouldn’t ring if you called me (though it would vibrate). And, yes, I tried pressing that shiny black button on the side, but it didn’t press – it was not a button, it was an infrared receptor (or something).

So, knowing it was hopeless . . . and unwilling to surrender the phone for 3 days while they sent it in for repair, or whatever other truly annoying solutions they would propose . . . knowing, in short, that this would not end well . . . I descended the stairs of the Apple store, open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, at Fifth Avenue and 59th Street.

This is some store! There are hundreds of people there at all hours, all seemingly happy.

Not wanting to seem uncool, I tried to get into the Apple aesthetic. I had purchased a bag of unwanted peanut M&M’s from kids raising money for their basketball team, as I walked to the store, and decided to use it to break the ice.

‘My phone won’t ring. What line do I get into?’ I asked someone by the stairs who seemed to work there.

He pointed me toward the Genius Bar (perhaps he sensed I had two Harvard degrees?), but said I should first look for any floater with a clipboard – I might not need to stand in line.

‘Do you like M&M’s’ I asked the first floater I saw.

‘Yes!’ he said with the sort of innocent enthusiasm you just don’t get every day.

‘Here,’ I said, handing him the M&M’s. ‘My phone won’t ring.’

He took the phone, shifted the infrared receptor down an eighth of an inch to the ‘on’ position – turns out, it’s not a button you push (or an infrared receptor), it’s a thing you slide – and the problem was solved.

I am an idiot.


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