From the Borowitz Report:

Breaking News



Some of you found my column on John Ashcroft and the calico cats and naked statuary implausible. So did you see on the news last night that the Justice Department has paid $8,000 to drape two provocative statues, one with a breast exposed?


Jay Glynn: ‘I saw the same Meet the Press and I, too, wish Dick Gephardt had been more direct. It’s such a shame to watch this happen after reducing the national debt as a percentage of GDP from almost 76% in 1993 to well under 60% in 2000. I shudder when I look at the same period in Japan (just under 60% in 1992 and cruising towards 140% now). I just don’t think people understand that even the biggest economies can be victims of poor management. I think people forget just how much President Clinton and his administration did to secure our place in the global economy. And they certainly don’t seem to understand how quickly it can come apart.’


From Yesterday’s New York Times:

U.S. Rejects Bid to Double Foreign Aid to Poor Lands
By Joseph Kahn

WASHINGTON, Jan. 28 – The Bush Administration has rejected an international proposal to double foreign aid in the wake of the war in Afghanistan, contending that poor countries should make better use of the assistance they now receive, diplomats said today.

☞ How on Earth can these poor people expect us to devote more than one-tenth of one percent of our Gross Domestic Product to help the rest of the world? Doubling the budget could cost us another $10 billion a year. That could cut sharply into the $700-odd billion we set aside in tax relief for America’s most fortunate over the next 10 years.

(Last night, in his well-delivered State of the Union, President Bush appealed to Congress to make this 10-year $1.3 trillion tax cut – skewed heavily to the top 1% – permanent. The reason it’s ‘only’ $1.3 trillion this decade is that it phases in slowly. But once all the breaks are fully phased in, the tab for the next ten years could easily be $4 trillion or more in today’s dollars, skewed heavily to the most fortunate. No wonder we can’t find $10 billion a year to try to give a hand up to the poor and the suffering. First things first: the heirs of a newly deceased billionaire need tax relief!)


Randy Woolf: ‘You asked for the name of that book a few years ago that detailed the secret teaming life of your home. It’s The Secret House.


I know I promised Lowering the Capital Gains Rate To ZERO for today. Maybe tomorrow or, more likely, Friday. Sorry. But you’ve waited this long . . .


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