Garbage Ties

Either you know this or you don’t. If you don’t, as I didn’t, it will come as a complete revelation: Every garbage bag comes with its own ties.

Or, as George Werfelman, world’s greatest fish purveyor, put it as we were cleaning up after a clambake he had catered this summer, and I was apologizing for having no garbage ties: “Every garbage bag comes with its OWN ties.”

I’m not saying I’m not handy around the house — or that you’re not, if you are as amazed by this as I was. I had just never known! I hated those little ties, especially the thick yellow plastic ones. And I was a sucker for the ones you couldn’t lose, because they came taped to the bag, or especially for the “drawstring” ones, never mind the higher price.

But now — well, now I feel so empowered.

Click here for a full-motion instructional video of me tying up my garbage. Your credit card will be charged just $39.95 plus $12.50 postage-and-handling, and you will soon begin receiving catalogs of special interest to people like you.

Or just follow these simple instructions:

Remove garbage bag from trash can when reasonably full (and fit to be tied), grasping it with both hands from either end.

Sit garbage bag on ground so that it slouches, and extend your hands to the left and the right until the top perimeter of the bag is more or less taut, with some bag bunched up in each fist.

Twirl the ends around a little, once you get really good at this, as if to make little bunny ears.

Now join your hands in the middle and tie the bunny ears in a knot. Tight.

Voila! Your garbage is tied, and you’ll even find the knot forms a sort of handle.

If this fails, just try it once or twice more until you get the hang of it. It isn’t rocket science. You will succeed. And if you’re someone 35 with a normal life expectancy and a reasonably typical garbage flow, this will save your having to pay for, hunt for and twist approximately 15,000 garbage ties over the remainder of your life.

You don’t get this kind of advice on Wall Street Week.