THIS TIME, APPLE IS THE IDIOT

So my iPhone has lost its sensitivity to my touch at the bottom of its screen. I know it sounds vaguely soft-porn, but that’s how the iPhone works: you touch its screen to tap, type and slide. Oh, baby. So when it goes partly numb, you lose the ability to do things like type in your PIN to unlock it (if there is a 7 or an 8 or a 9 in your PIN). Also, the ability to answer calls.

I went to my nearest Apple store around 10pm Monday night but it was far too crowded to get any help. Not a problem – I learned from you that I need only stay up til 12:01am and grab one of the available ‘Genius Bar’ appointments for the next day. But after taking my contact info, that web site allowed only three choices: BACK, CANCEL, and NEXT – and that third choice, NEXT, the one I desperately wanted, was grayed out. Clicking it produced no result. Nor later that day.

So I went to the store with no appointment, but really eager to get this fixed, and was told that there were no Genius Bar appointments available until Thursday. But that for iPhones they put you at the head of the line with a stand-by appointment, because they recognize how important cell phones are to people’s lives. ‘Have a seat. It should be about 15 minutes.’

I foolishly believed him and foolishly had brought nothing to read. (I had several books on my iPhone, but, as you know, I was unable to access my iPhone.)

Fifteen minutes turned into twenty, then thirty, then forty, sitting at the Genius Bar, watching the Genius at work. If he had been Chuck, it would have been fun. Instead, I just sat there pecking listlessly at my Blackberry (yes, I have one of them, too), watching the monitor cheerfully announce, ‘No more genius appointments are available today. Please come back tomorrow.’

At the forty-minute mark, the genius turned to me, took the phone (apparently, I was the second person to come in with the same problem that day), and used his special tool to switch the inaccessible SIM Card into a new (or refurbished) iPhone. A few minutes later I was on my way home, with only an hour’s work, maybe two, to restore all the addresses, favorites, stock quotes, and so on.

The iPhone is wonderful, Apple is wonderful (‘insanely great’ I think is the term of art), but I was looking for a phone, not a relationship. So we’ll see. If this happens every two months, I may seek a divorce.

DATING TIPS

Jesse: ‘This supposedly appeared on Craig’s List.’

What am I doing wrong?

Okay, I’m tired of beating around the bush. I’m a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year old girl. I’m articulate and classy. I’m not from New York. I’m looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City, so I don’t think I’m overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a business man who makes average around 200 – 250. But that’s where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won’t get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she’s not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

– Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms.

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won’t hurt my feelings.

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I’m 25)?

– Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I’ve seen really ‘plain jane‘ boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I’ve seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What’s the story there?

– Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows – lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

– How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY.

Please hold your insults – I’m putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I’m being up front about it. I wouldn’t be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn’t able to match them – in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

PostingID: 432279810

 

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I’m not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is, I make more than $500K per year. That said here’s how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a cr@ppy business deal. Here’s why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here’s the rub, your looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity…in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won’t be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you’re 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold…hence the rub…marriage. It doesn’t make good business sense to “buy you” (which is what you’re asking) so I’d rather lease. In case you think I’m being cruel, I would say the following. If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It’s as simple as that. So a deal that makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as “articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful” as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn’t found you, if only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn’t need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you’re going about it the right way. Classic “pump and dump.”

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know.

DENTAL WORK

Gray Chang: ‘Your dentist’s crown-making machine doesn’t build up the new crown layer by layer, as you described yesterday. Instead, it starts with a block of ceramic and grinds it away (‘milling’), like a little sculpture.’

☞ Perhaps. But I still look forward to the day that I can print my own kidney.

CAMOUFLAGE

Charlie Mac, LtCol, USAF (20 years and 6 Middle East deployments): ‘The question of what uniform to wear when at conferences, meetings, Pentagon Hallways, etc., has been back and forth since 9/11. Some generals want to show a professional image and have us wear Class A’s (comparable to a business suit) when out in public. Others (currently the highest ranking generals) want to show solidarity with our 150,000+ deployed brothers and sisters in Iraq, Afghanistan, Qatar, the Phillipines, Central & South America, Horn of Africa, and many other locations. The vast majority of folks prefer the camouflage uniform for comfort, ease of care, and its loose fit hides the extra pounds many of us are carrying these days. All views and opinions are strictly my own and may not reflect the views of the U.S. Air Force or the Dept. of Defense.’

☞ Sir, after 20 years and 6 Middle East deployments, it seems to me you can wear anything you want and we will all gratefully salute.

 

Comments are closed.