Month: October 1998

Let’s say you wanted to find a really inexpensive way gradually to drive your customers insane. Here’s what you would do. First, you would find a vaguely Hawaiian sounding endless loop of a saccharine melody. Then you would put it onto the Musak-like system of all your airplanes. At the same time, you would put it on the endless loop of the endless wait customers experienced when calling in to make or change a reservation. Then you would just keep it playing, over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over – YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda – for three years.

Or if it hasn’t yet been three years, it certainly seems that way and, at this rate, will stretch into all eternity.

You would tell yourself you are building an unmistakable aural brand environment – YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda – when in fact what you would be doing is gradually driving all your customers slowly out of their all-too-frequent-flying minds.

And what of Delta’s poor flight attendants? And what of Mozart and Haydn and Gershwin?

YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda; YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, YadayadayadaDAAA, YadayadayadaDUHHHH, dadadda.

Has Delta Airlines no compassion? I would like its executives to have to hear that music every morning for an hour on the way to work. Surely things would change within a week.

Mike E. writes: “I just got back from vacation and saw your column with the footnote about $5 million in bonds and how preposterous that would be to most of us. Well, my parents have lived their entire lives using principles you recommend. They live below their means, buy used cars, buy in bulk, and invest for the future. They retired two years ago (ages 62 and 60) with an estate in excess of $3 million. They must have been doctors, lawyers or some other highly paid profession, right? No, my mom was a public school teacher and my dad was a factory worker. Their combined salaries were never more than $70K a year. They did have a few good stock picks and a long bull market to help their money grow, but it was their consistent saving over a long period of time that made them well off. Anyway, now most of their money is safely in bonds.”

A.T.: Warms my heart. What else can I say?