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Andrew Tobias
Andrew Tobias

Money and Other Subjects

What A Guy

May 22, 2024May 21, 2024

If I were innocent of a crime, I think I’d want to look the jury in the eye and explain why.

Tell them what really happened.

It’s not as though Trump is shy about speaking up for himself — just this week he told Minnesotans he won their state in 2020, even though he lost by a wide margin.

Nationwide, he says, endlessly, he “won by a landslide.”  (Actually, he lost.  Here’s how we know.)

In Trump world, it’s all part of the fun.  Most of them know he’s lying (don’t they?), but who cares — he overturned Roe v. Wade!  (“Something no one had been able to do before that everyone wanted!“)

He gave us Infrastructure Week (though no infrastructure) again and again throughout his presidency!

He promised to give “everybody terrific health care at a tiny fraction of the cost!”  What’s not to like about that?!

We didn’t get it; indeed, he never even revealed his plan.  But who cares?  He’s entertaining! 

Who wants same-old same-old boring thoughtful competence when you can have something new, outrageous, outlandish, and fun!  I’d like to punch him in the face! Come to Washington January 6th — it’s gonna be wild!  Now that’s not boring.  Indeed, you could watch the excitement for 187 minutes, eating up the violence on TV (not for nothing was Trump inducted into the fake TV wrestling hall of fame), before lifting a finger to rescue the nation’s Capitol and those fighting to protect it.

A press conference at the Four Seasons?  Boring!  Only Team Trump would hold its press conference in the parking lot of the Four Seasons Total Landscaping, across from a sex shop.  Now that’s colorful.  That, you might say, is nouveau Presidential.  “Alternative” Presidential.  Dignified in a unique way.

Sure, the bone spur thing was made up, but only suckers and losers actually go fight and die for their country, or pay taxes, or take their own college entrance exams, or endure five-and-a-half years of torture in a North Vietnamese prison camp (“I like people who weren’t captured, okay?”).

And the cool thing?  He gets away with it!

Best of all, he’s made sure we don’t solve the border crisis, so that he alone can fix it!

What a guy.  I predict a hung jury.  Sure, he’s guilty.  But why should that matter?



BONUS

In response to the President’s Commencement address, posted yesterday — Imagine Yourself In The Audience — one of you wrote . . .


Biden’s speech brought tears to my eyes. The reminders of where we have been as a country and where Joe has been as a politician and a family man are as inspiring to me as they must be to those graduates. So, Bob and I just committed another $10,000 to help elect representatives in particularly tough races. Thanks for the uplift.


. . . while Carl wrote . . .


Imagine Yourself In THIS Audience!


. . . accompanied by a photo of Biden calling Senator Robert Byrd, “One of my heroes,” captioned: “Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Joe Biden (left) was mentored by former Ku Klux Klan Exalted Cyclops Robert K. Byrd.”

Is it Carl’s view that Biden is secretly a Klan member or sympathizer?  He can’t possibly think that Biden’s having admired Byrd for some things, and his having famously gotten along with Republican colleagues as well as Democrats, negates anything he said at Morehouse — can he? 

(In 2010, Biden spoke at Byrd’s funeral.)

Carl surely knows that the Klan loves Trump and hates Biden — right?

Also worth noting is that Byrd’s Klan heyday was 1944.  He would go on to say that joining the Klan was “the worst mistake of his life.” 

He integrated the Capitol Hill police force in 1959; voted to create Martin Luther King Day in 1983; and at his death was praised by the NAACP for having “became a champion for civil rights.” 

None of this will change Carl’s mind.  Nothing ever does.

What a guy.

 

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