The Last Word on Watermelon October 2, 2000February 15, 2017 Who knew this would strike such a nerve? Michael Keen: “Your ingenious method for de-seeding watermelon reminded me of Charles Lamb’s Dissertation on Roast Pig in which, you will remember, the originators of this Chinese delicacy considered it necessary to replicate the initial experience each time they wished to enjoy the dish, to wit: they placed a pig in a house and burned the house down. Surely there is an easier way to de-seed watermelon.” John Seiffer: “Would it work if you just taped the plastic container shut so the mess didn’t get on the floor?” ☞ Hmmm. Hadn’t thought of that. Will test next summer. “By the way, in true ‘Eating Like a Guy’ fashion, when I get tired of picking the seeds out of watermelon, I just chew and swallow them. I do the same with grape seeds. Never had one sprout in my belly yet.” ☞ That I have thought of. Peanut shells don’t seem to have done me any harm, either, or acorn-squash seeds or — in moderation when they are relatively small and supple — shrimp tails. Eric Eck: “Your findings do represent another step in the quest for better food methods. Of course, out of respect to a legend in the de-seeding industry please remember to credit Gallagher. The Sledgeomatic allows you to serve an entire room full of former friends instantly.” Richard Factor: “Your invention, generically known as ‘impact deseeding,’ is closely related to my invention, ‘impact degreasing,’ demonstrated several years ago. Take an ordinary fast-food French fry, place it on a napkin, and place another napkin on top. depending upon the strength of the underlying platform, anything from a fist to an intact watermelon can be used to firmly impact the potato under test. Note the residue on the napkins. Examine and consume, if you dare, the central experimental article. For the advanced student: add some vegetable coloring to the blots of residue and use them to interpret the outcome of the upcoming election. (Lipomancy.)” Chris Williams: “Dear Sir: Please be notified that your recent observation of the mass differenial of seeds and watermelon material has not gone unnoticed by *those who watch*. An original methodology for processing uranium ore and changing the U235/U232 natural distribution ratio so that the uranium was, how shall we put this, ‘useful,’ involved a centrifugal method that moved the heavier isotope outward and left the less heavy isotope inward. Your oblique and subtle approach to propagating sensitive information has been placed in your dossier for future reference.” Kate (responding to the prospect of NPK’s adding the Electric Watermelon Slab to its line of kitchen gizmos): “Make fondue-pot jokes while you can. Fondue is coming back.” Mark Centuori: “So THIS is the big finale you’ve been building up to all week? Ugh. For those that don’t eat splatted watermelon off the floor, here are some de-seeding alternatives: “From the National Watermelon Promotion Board (plus, you can get a free e-mail subscription to the Melon Monitor — with “great tips and ideas for enjoying watermelon year-round”). “From a dedicated amateur (with photographic aids). “From a patent search (this site can be fun to play around with).” Emily L: “I have trouble seeing, but I ‘read’ your column every day with a program that literally reads your text out loud for me. So here’s my question. Why this obsession with deceiving watermelon? It’s hard for me to imagine a watermelon having much of a view of anything, let alone any assets or sex appeal — what could you possibly hope to gain from deceiving a watermelon?” ☞ No, Emily, de-SEED-ing. “Oh. That’s different. Never mind.” Tomorrow: The Debate