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Andrew Tobias

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Andrew Tobias
Andrew Tobias

Money and Other Subjects

Jewish Haikus

March 14, 2001February 17, 2017

I’ve gotten this several times now, and you probably have, too. But can we risk that you have not?

Here they are, 17 syllables apiece, 5 – 7 – 5. I have taken the liberty of highlighting a couple of the most important ones:

Hey! Get back indoors!
Whatever you were doing
could put an eye out.

Testing the warm milk
on her wrist, she beams — nice, but
her son is forty.

Lovely nose ring —
excuse me while I put my
head in the oven.

After the warm rain,
the sweet scent of camellias.
Did you wipe your feet?

Wet moss on the old
stone path — flat on my back, I
ponder whom to sue.

  • Today I am a
  • man. On Monday I return
  • to the seventh grade.

Left the door open
for the Prophet Elijah.
Now our cat is gone.

In the ice sculpture
reflected bar-mitzvah guests
nosh on chopped liver.

Beyond Valium,
the peace of knowing one’s child
is an internist.

The same kimono
the top geishas are wearing —
got it at Loehmann’s.

Jewish triathlon —
gin rummy, then contract bridge,
followed by a nap.

Would-be convert lost —
thawed Lender’s Bagels made a
bad first impression.

Today, mild shvitzing.
Tomorrow, so hot you’ll plotz.
Five-day forecast — feh.

  • Yom Kippur — forgive
  • me, God, for the Mercedes
  • and all the lobsters.

As always, if anyone knows who actually wrote these, I’d love to give credit where credit is due. Here are three financial haikus:

Winter of the bear.
What fun is there in bonds? None.
Boy needs some action.

Priceline – ice cold ego.
Bezos could have a shot, though
No more big discounts.

Stock market deep freeze,
Taxes kept me from selling.
I’m an idiot.

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