Stubble Trouble April 2, 1997February 1, 2017 “Though I find your Henry Ford history interesting, do you have any thoughts on the market crash?” — David L. Did it crash? I thought it was just down 7%. Maybe today it will crash. Hope not. Having so long dreamed the market would someday reach 5,000 (perhaps by the end of the century — up from 777 a mere 15 years ago), I guess I don’t see 6,500 as a crash. But of course I “hear” you. If I ever know in advance which way the market is headed, I will definitely post it here. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming: Stubble Trouble. I know you’re probably sick of hearing about my visit to that offshore oil rig, Platform Irene. But better sick than dead. When I was telling you about the helicopter and the hydrogen sulfide hazard last week, I forgot to give you a proper safety briefing. Did you know, for example, that when approaching or leaving a helicopter you should “Stay low, head up and eyes looking around?” And that you should “Keep your arms down at your sides?” Without a briefing and instructions like that, you might have gotten off the chopper, spotted a loved one, and jumped up and down waving your arms — chop, chop — to say hello. Of course, in our case, we were not allowed anywhere near the outside of the chopper when its engine was on or its rotor was turning. But these were valuable tips all the same. Less obvious, and thus all the more important because you might not have thought of it on your own: “Hard hats and baseball caps will not be worn at any time while the helicopter is operating.” This is a federal regulation, so a lot of thought and study doubtless went into it, though no explanation is given (repeated thwops on the hard hat could dull the rotor blade?). There is no mention of big hair — Marge Simpson, where are you? — but we may have been handed the abbreviated version of the regs. (I am quoting here not from the verbal briefing we got but from the fine-print safety form we were handed to read and sign.) As for the hydrogen sulfide, which could quickly kill you if you didn’t slap on a respirator as soon as you heard the sirens go off and saw the panic in the roustabouts’ eyes, we were reminded about 29 CFR 1910.134(e)(5)(1) Part which states that “Respirators shall not be worn when conditions prevent a good face seal. Such conditions may be a growth of beard, sideburns, a skull cap that projects under the face piece, or temple pieces on glasses.” Which sounds very much like ANSI Z88.2-1980 (7.3), also part of our briefing sheet, which states, “A person who has hair (stubble, mustache, sideburns, beard, low hairline, bangs) which passes between the face and the sealing surface of the respirator shall not be permitted to wear the respirator.” Leading, no doubt, to the following dialog for the Platform Irene TV Movie I envision, amid wailing sirens and roustabouts running every which way: “Quick! Pass me one of those air packs!” “No. Not until you go downstairs and shave off that stubble.” “But [muffled, as when shouting and holding one’s breath at the same time] I’ll die in ten seconds if you don’t give me that thing!” “Sorry, bud. Safety regulations.” I suppose in theory the point is that no one with these hairy hazards should be allowed on Irene in the first place. But that’s not how it works. You can get onto the rig; you’re just not supposed to sue if there’s a gas leak and you have a mustache. My impression was that our hosts were far safer and more sensible than the printed forms they were required to hand us. Had there been a gas emission, I think they would have found a way to save even George, our bearded cameraman. Hope so. Liked George.
Don’t Be An April Fool: Avoid the New Bank Cards April 1, 1997February 1, 2017 Forbes had a good rundown on bank debit cards recently. They’re Visa and MasterCards that immediately hit your checking account when you “charge” something. They’re like paperless checks — so convenient you don’t even have to key in a PIN when you buy something. Forbes panned these cards for three reasons. First, of course, you lose the “float.” (You also lose the frequent flier miles some credit cards offer.) That is, the money leaves your checking account instantly. With a credit card, the average interest-free float is around 40 days if you pay your bill within the allotted grace period. (The grace period may be 25 days, but the average charge was made in the middle of the month, so it’s 15 days before it even hits your bill.) Second, “you lose the option of withholding payments — important leverage in case of disputed charges.” And third, “it could give a thief carte blanche to your checking account.” I don’t know whether Carte Blanche is still a credit card — it used to compete with Diners and American Express — but credit-card puns aside, the point here is important. With a credit card, your liability is usually limited to $50, and while there may be some hassle in straightening things out, a lost card is mainly the card-issuer’s problem. You get a bill in the mail for $18,320 in charges, none of them yours, and you don’t pay it. With a debit card, you would get your checking account statement and notice that $18,320 in bogus debits had been sucked out of your account, pushing you to the limits of your “overdraft-checking” privileges, for which you’re charged 18% annual interest, and causing checks you wrote to bounce. In short, you’re busted. Yes, you’d eventually get that $18,320 added back into your account and straighten everything out, most likely. You might even get the overdraft checking interest and the bounced check charges reversed. But it would surely be more trouble than just declining to pay an $18,320 Visa bill. (Forbes warns that some thieves take a more subtle approach to exploiting your stolen debit card. Say a thief gets the account number off a discarded receipt, then has a phony card made up with your number. Now, rather than charge $18,320 all in one spree, he occasionally uses it for small purchases you might not notice. Until you do notice and cancel your card, you’re buying him gasoline, sweat socks, the occasional dinner, books and CDs at Barnes & Noble — whatever. And when you finally do notice, you may only be reimbursed for fraudulent charges incurred within the last 60 days.) Avoid bank debit cards. Carry only a few credit cards at most, instead, and be sure to pay them in full each month to avoid incurring interest. Check your credit card statements carefully and reconcile your checking account statement promptly when it arrives each month. (Computer programs like Quicken and Managing Your Money make this easy once you get set up.) When your bank sends you a new ATM card to replace your old one, with the great news that “now you can use it for purchases, too — as easy as a credit card, but with no interest to pay!”. . . see whether they’ll let you cut it up and provide you with a plain old ATM card instead.